As we sit here eleven days into 2012, I feel like my outlook is bright. Hell, if I was an S & P Future right now, I’m pretty sure I’d be a buy. Seriously. I mean, I make as much money today as I did in 2009, 2010 and 2011 – combined. Sad, but very true. Wow, that is horrifyingly sad. But that’s in the past … as I was saying, 2012 is looking way up. If I was a stock, you’d take a chance on me, right? Right. I’ve got a great girlfriend, friends, family, good health … not bad. So, since I’ve essentially blossomed into a robust bouquet of roses from nothing but a discarded seed and some Midwest dirt, I’d like to get every last bit of 2011 out of me – for good. One final flush, ridding all of those thorns I’ve carried inside for oh so long. 2012, now an immaculate slate without a rear-view mirror in sight. OK, without further ado, a list of shit – in no particular order — that needs to be left behind … to remain in 2011, for all of us, and forevermore.

Disclaimer: These are solely things that bother me about people … and life in general, really. Also, it’s my arbitrary list, so if you disagree, I apologize, but get over it. Besides, I don’t have it all figured out, folks.

Unnecessary Nudity — I’m just beginning to work out regularly – having obtained a gym membership for the first time in my life – and I guess I had forgotten locker room etiquette in my absence. Fine, but is it really necessary to walk around the men’s locker room for inordinate amounts of time, wieners freely a dangling? I mean, I’m no prude fellas, but it shouldn’t be too much to ask that when you undress, you throw a towel on. Then after you’ve showered – curtain closed, please – you strap the towel back around your waist before applying your underpants  – first thing! I’m truly not interested in your conversation with Bill regarding the duck hunting trip you took down to Southern Illinois over the long-weekend, but I can deal with it. What I can’t deal with is the entire verbal exchange happening as your penis interrogates me from 18 inches away. This seems to be a generational thing, too. If you were born before 1970, then it’s anything goes in the locker room, I guess.

Parody Songs (Cover Bands) – Parody songs are lame, no exceptions. They’re never funny, they’re extremely overdone and furthermore, they almost never come from a good original song in the first place. It’s sad enough that you felt it was necessary to parody something, replacing its lyrics with your thoughts on how Tim Tebow sucks. It’s even worse, however, that you selected Matchbox 20’s “3AM” for your instrumental. Please stop. I pretty much feel the same about cover bands in general. Look, I’m no Joe Strummer (obviously) but at least the dumb little shows I play every once in a while (acoustically or with a full band) are filled with songs written solely by me, myself and I. How lame is it to go up on stage in front of people that aren’t even there to see you, belting out Breakfast at Tiffany’s-esque pop songs for two hours (prior to your ridiculous 30 minute set-intermission) only to come back for two more hours of the same. I can’t believe these guys get paid. I can’t believe people like hearing worse renditions of pop songs, live. I can’t believe these guys are considered “cool” within certain circles. Is it just me, folks?

Girls Posting on FacebookFacebook should have a setting in place stating that if you’re female, you’re only allowed to post pictures. Period. You know, you and your drunken girlfriends doing “bombs”, inexplicably holding your right arms in the air or giving the “eating out” symbol with your hand into the camera. Those kind of pictures. Obviously, guys need some format to creep on the girls they went to High School with, so girls shouldn’t be banned from Social Networks altogether. But, pictures only. Because read my lips, no one cares about ANYTHING a girl posts as her status. No one. (Sorry honey.)

Tweeting During Live Sporting Events – This is a pet-peeve of mine that I constantly have to deal with (being as I’ve worked in the sports media industry since 2006, thus, most of my friends/colleagues reside within the same business). Guess what? WE’RE ALL WATCHING THE SAME GAME. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT TEBOW CAN’T THROW. WE DON’T NEED YOUR COMMENTARY. If you do happen to make the mistake of checking your Twitter feed during a Bears game, you’ll notice that on every “controversial” play, there will be 20 identical posts from so-called (self-proclaimed) experts. Hey fellas, if you’re such an “insider” then why did everyone know exactly what you were going to post before you even picked up your phone?

Fat People Eating Fast Food – It’s sort of insensitive, I know. But I liken watching a fat chick scarfing down two Big Macs with her XL fries and Coke to a Meth addict huffing floor cleaners on the street during rush hour. I don’t care if you do it, just don’t do it in front of me.

Leaving Voicemails on My Cell Phone – It’s 2012, folks. This really shouldn’t happen anymore. Unless you’re 65 or over, you know how to send a text message. If I don’t answer my phone, I’m either busy, didn’t hear it or can’t/don’t want to talk at the moment. If you truly have something to say, text me. If you don’t have something to say, then why in the hell are you calling in the first place? What are we, 12-year-old girls just catching up and giggling over crushes? Texting – as annoying as it can be at times – truly is the best form of communication. Use it.

Groupons/Coupons – Maybe this is why I’ve always been poor, but I find it extremely difficult to use a coupon. I can use the Jewel/Dominick’s/Walgreen’s card that you scan at the beginning of every purchase. That’s fine. But there’s something about digging for a coupon to save $0.35 off a can of peas that makes my skin crawl. Then, you have the inevitable lady in front of you that literally uses a coupon for every item in her cart. Really, you need rat traps, egg nogg and furnace filters on this particular trip to CVS? I doubt it. As far as Groupon is concerned, no fucking way. Presenting a Groupon to your waiter guarantees that you will receive bad service. Period. In fact, Groupon guarantees that you’re going to a bad restaurant to begin with. Think about it. If it was a popular place to eat, it wouldn’t need a Groupon in the first place. I’m sorry, but if you can’t afford a $15 plate of pasta at a restaurant, then cook it at home.

Lollapalooza – Overrated bands, hot weather, 100,000 sweaty mongoloids crammed together, horrible prices, horrible traffic, skin cancer, hepatitis, throbbing ear drums, empty bank account. Wow, do I sound old? Sigh.

Sorry about the negativity but all in all, that felt pretty good, didn’t it? I mean, I could probably go on for days, really. 2011 sucked. No doubt about it. But it’s now in the past. Here, in 2012, we can walk around freely within our locker rooms, old-man wiener free!  There’s no more parody songs, cover bands, Groupon … I even saw some fat people in the gym today, eating vegetables! What a concept! Oh … wait … shit … (sigh) … some girl just posted “Livin’ lifffffffeeeeee” on Facebook.

Fuck you, 2012.


Follow Matt Weber @HighMotorGuy23

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