The HMG Super Bowl Shuffle (Weber)on February 6, 2012 at 1:15 pm
After taking-in Super Bowl 46 with you and millions of others world-wide, I came away with a number of pointless judgments encompassing my shaky head this morning. I’d like to share a few of those with you and yours as you stumble about your various cubicles and places of commerce today. Enjoy.
I – If you watched more than thirty minutes of pregame – force-fed to you from any number of the countless outlets available Sunday afternoon – then you are far greater a football fan than I. My God. Between the abundance of over-sappified, feel-good pieces to any one of the dozen panels – each consisting of former white QB’s, a couple of recently-retired black receivers/defensive backs (street-cred) and then the grizzly former head coach and/or Hall of famer from a different era (to satisfy the t-formation generation) – repeating the “keys to the game” until they were successfully hammered home into the brains of any unfortunate viewers who happened to have nothing to do from 9am to kickoff at 5:30pm … enough was enough. I didn’t even need to watch the game. The Giants would get pressure on Brady with their front-four, the Patriots are unstoppable in their no-huddle offense, Eli would be considered better than Peyton should he win his second Super Bowl, Belichick/Brady will go down as the greatest Coach/QB combination in NFL history … blah, blah, blah. Exhale.
II - The “Will Kelly Clarkson display her bare-midriff during her rendition of the National Anthem?” prop-bet may have been the easiest winner since taking the Bulls -5 at Milwaukee on Saturday night. If I’m a woman who’s 60 lbs. overweight, I’m not showing my stomach to the baristas at Starbucks on a Tuesday morning, let alone hundreds of millions of people dissecting my every move in HD. She did a hell of a job with the anthem, though. Not an easy song – even when the tummy is fully tucked away. Kudos, “Clark Bar.”
III - My favorite commercial was probably the dog who bribed its owner with Doritos in hopes of keeping his unjust murder of the family cat a secret. Funny commercial, though Doritos are pretty gross after the 5th chip. Also, why do cats always get a bad wrap? I’ve never really understood this. As many of you may imagine, I’m not much of an animal person, but if forced to choose, I’d absolutely prefer a cat over a dog. Think about it, cats are quiet, don’t smell, don’t have to be let outside, are independent (which comes in handy should you be hung over, tired and/or going out of town for some reason or another), yet still give you the necessary amount of attention you may desire on a given day. I love cats. Plus, they’re cheap (did I mention quiet) and they’ll take care of any pest problems you may or may not accrue. Bam! I guess I’m a cat guy … I should probably keep that to myself.
IV - Where was Peyton Manning last night? Are you kidding me? Nowhere to be found in his stadium as his brother outperforms his biggest rival in his city on the biggest stage in all of professional sports? Wow. I like the idea of laying low in the shadows, but I thought for sure that the elder Manning would be shown at least 2.5 times on Sunday. His mama couldn’t get enough of NBC’s cameras, though! Front and center, on full display. Speaking of old ladies, is it safe to say that we’ve all had enough of Betty White? I’m not one to wish death upon anybody but c’mon already … you’ve had a nice run, sweetheart. You should be playing Bingo three nights a week and sending $7 checks in the mail by now.
V - Do Dan Patrick and Bob Costas hate each other? I mean, I’m sure they get along just fine, but they’re easily two of the best sports-casting voices of this generation, yet they split time during Sunday night football broadcasts on NBC. Whose responsibilities are considered higher on the totem pole? Costas sets up the feel good pieces on kids battling cancer, while D.P. mediates annoying conversation between Tony Dungy and Rodney Harrison before taking to the field to chase down Eli Manning with his Corvette keys he cares nothing about. I’d take Patrick in a cage match over Costas, no question about it. But Costas has to be considered the Michael Jordan to Patrick’s Charles Barkley in the broadcasting world.
VI - Madonna was fantastic last night. Anyone who tries to argue you the opposite opinion is DEAD WRONG. Sure, she stumbled briefly at one point and never came close to actually singing a note into that pointless microphone attached to her head, but at 53, she’s more athletic than you, me, Jason Richardson and anyone else who tells you that the halftime show was bad this year. Wow. I was exhausted just watching it. Believe me, as someone who’s repeatedly performed choreographed routines in 8-inch heels, that shit ain’t easy, folks. I just hope she put a cool “mil” on her hair-color of choice. Which, of course, was blonde – and was another sure-fire proposition bet.
VII - The NFC was far better than the AFC this year. I think the Packers, Saints, 49ers and even – gasp – the Chicago Bears (pre-injuries) are better than the AFC champion, New England Patriots. The NFC finished 33-31 against the AFC this year, but the Giants (5-0, including 2 wins over the Pats, 1 over the Jets), the Packers (3-1, including a win over the Broncos), the Saints (4-0, including a win over the Texans), the 49ers (3-1, including a win over the Steelers and a win over the Bengals), the Lions (4-0, including a win over the Broncos) and the Falcons (3-1) all dominated the other conference. The Patriots essentially had a bye all the way to the Super Bowl when you consider they faced Tim Tebow and Joe Flacco (Yuck!) at home en route to Indianapolis. This may have exposed them a tad. (*Disclaimer: Yes, I realize including the Bears in this conversation is a stretch, but just remember how good you felt after they’d won 5-straight following the reigning-in of the truck-driving lesbian, Mike Martz. They could’ve beaten anyone during that stretch, folks. Including the Giants and Patriots.)
VIII - On the field? Well, it was certainly an entertaining game. Well played? I’m not sure I’d go that far. No one expected Brady to give-up a safety or for the Patriots AND Giants to both commit “too many men on the field” penalties. Eli was good, but only threw for one TD and Wes Welker and Aaron Hernandez were less than reliable in the receiving game. The outcome may have been different if Gronk had been healthy and the Giants pass-rush is getting a lot of credit for a pretty “ho-hum” performance, in my opinion. Why didn’t the Pats stick with the no huddle? Brady was only 16 for 16 with two TD passes in the hurry-up offense. Who knows … I certainly enjoyed Manning to Manningham (one of the best QB to WR name combinations – and pass completions in Super Bowl history) and Bradshaw failing to drop down at the one after the Pats “ole’d” their tackling attempts in order to give Brady a chance at a comeback was something I’ll never forget. It strangely reminded me of the Pro Bowl, hmm.
What I will forget, however, is the 2011 season altogether. What was a rocky start, followed by a winning streak unmatched since the 2006 season, ended as just another page ripped from the calendar in which the Bears showed little concern in regards to winning a Super Bowl.
At least I have the Cubs to look forward to …
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